Monday, February 6, 2012

A New Me!

So although the New Year has already come and gone, I've realized after a few months there are some things I need to concentrate on this year in order to make myself a better friend, daughter, sister and overall person.  I have realized (as most people do around the ominous day of January 1st) that I am not always happy with me, that there are things in my life I have control over, and that I need to look at improving these things before my relationships, life and overall well being gets any better.

I started this blog in hopes that I hold myself accountable, so if you're reading this, thanks!  It is a huge bonuspeople can find some comfort in knowing there are other's struggling with life changes. 

So let me give you a quick self analysis of what brought me to wanting to lose 30lbs (this seems like an impossible task) and why this is going to put me on the track to a new me and hopefully start to turn around alot of those insecurities that I have always carried with me.

I have many friends and family who are constantly telling me how I look healthy, that I don't need to lose any weight, and wonder why I have such an issue with myself.  Now, I'm sure alot of you have been in the same situation, where someone close to you is almost shocked to know that you have some type of insecurity with yourself, because they can't see it at all!  As much as you try and convince them, you are really the only person who knows how YOU feel and therefore, its almost useless to try and explain.  The good friends though, they support you no matter what :) 

I have always been slightly overweight, never to the point where it was super noticeable, but I have definitely never been skinny.  When I was younger, this was a large part of the reason I had a hard time in school.  I always had someone making fun of me.  At the age of 11 or so, my entire group of "friends" completely stopped talking to me and would spend the entire lunch time making fun of me sitting by myself and I remember a few times being called "fat" or "chubby" or whatever words 11 year old children could come up with to make themselves feel better by putting others down.  I realize now, as an adult, this was to cover up for their own insecurities and a way for them to bond as a group, but at the time... it just left me very uncomfortable and extremely insecure about myself.

This followed with me through all of my adolescent and adult years, and has always been in the back of my mind.  I have had lots of friends, and anyone reading this that knows me now, would probably never believe I wasn't the sociable, outgoing person I am today, but it took a LONG time for me to overcome some of these early experiences.  And in some ways... I really haven't.  Any time I'm out in public, I go back to those days as a kid, and being made fun of or talked about.... and interally, I am that 11 year old again.  I have some great friends that I'm always around, and that helps, but I've never been able to get past those thoughts that have been a part of my thinking process for YEARS....

So this year, its all about getting myself healthy and to a point where I feel comfortable with myself in order to overcome that one insecurity I haven't learned how to yet.  I know now that how I was treated when I was younger was just kids being (hurtful) kids, and I know that just by losing 30lbs, it wont change ALL my attitudes or feelings... but its a motivator and a huge push in the right direction, right?

For those of you who have had the same struggles, either with weight, or with bullying or just life in general (because lets face it, sometimes... it kinda sucks!) I hope you will follow in this journey with me and be able to relate a little.... and hopefully give me some inspiration and help because boy am I going to need it!

So keep reading... post away... and thanks for the help :)


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